the social animal and words

I am currently reading The Social Animal by New York Times Op-Ed columnist David Brooks. Tracing the fictional lives of characters Harold and Erica, Brooks draws on scientific findings to answer the question of how human beings flourish.

Last night I was reading about why Harold and Erica had a difficult marriage. Renowned therapist John Gottman suggests that a clear sign of a healthy marriage is that in communication, for every negative comment a spouse makes 5 positive comments.

I have never done the research myself, but I totally buy into Gottman’s conclusion. Those are wise words of advice for any relationship. Words have power. They shape our sense of self. They can make us feel invincible or the lowest scum on earth. Words also create. If I tend to say more negative things than positive, I create an atmosphere of death and not life. No marriage or any relationship flourishes in an atmosphere of death.

I was sobered last night. It was good to be reminded of my capacity to hurt others (especially my wife) by my words. However, Harold and Erica’s rocky marriage was not a result a critical attitude but rather a lack of words. They didn’t verbally interact with each other.

Life is busy and difficult. A day can go by without realizing it. So, it is hard to see those we love and it is even harder to intentionally say nice and life-giving things.  The author of Proverbs 16:24 writes the following:

“Gracious words are like honeycomb,

sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”

It is not enough to avoid negative comments. For words to be honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the body, you have say them.